Monday, October 06, 2008

Not too happy

I think that I have a happy marriage. Our household runs like a well oiled machine most days. We get up at the same time every morning, eat breakfast, pack lunches, go to work, come home, make dinner, maybe watch some tv or go to the Y and start all over the next day. On occasion we have a swim meet to attend or conferences. Otherwise, our life speaks of routine and stability. Two cars, two kids, a cat and a mortgage - the American Dream!

I truly should be happy with this. My life growing up was challenging. I did have a strange routine as a teenager. Come home to an empty house after my part time job. Mom was still at the bar. Brother was out getting high with friends. I came home and started my homework or headed over to make out with my sometimes boyfriend. Life had little predictability.

I don't know what is going on, but my life feels empty and dull. I want an amazing marriage. But instead, I feel like I have a great roommate. He is amazingly helpful and works hard to keep life orderly. The yard looks great, he fixes things that are broken and even takes care of the floors. But lately, I feel lonely and unknown. He doesn't even know as much about me as many of you do - or at least that is how it feels today.

We have never prayed together because it makes him feel weird. I am always the one praying at dinner or before bedtime for the kids. We have never done a bible study together - it is a private thing. I keep looking to him for some directions in this area - but he seems timid. We both serve at church, but not together. It seems like everything we do is separate or alone. And that is how I am feeling. And then I get comments from him about our not so good sexlife. It is so hard to want to be close physically when emotionally I feel like there is a chasm.

How can we see each other every day and not really know each other? There have been days when we say little more than hello and goodbye. Our lives look so good on the outside, but I am hurting on the inside. We really need some time without the kids to talk. I am just afraid that we will talk and nothing will change - it never does. He really doesn't seem to think there is a problem. But I don't know what he is feeling, because he doesn't share with me.

Please pray. It may take some professional help to work through this. I want to feel cherished and loved by my husband. Right now, I am just feeling like a housemate. I truly want this to change. I don't want to be stuck here forever! Thanks for praying.


1 comment:

Susanne said...

Marriage definitely is work, isn't it? It doesn't just fall all into nice little neat boxes with pretty bows like the movies try to tell us. Praying for you guys.